Men are powerful, or at least they want power. Or perhaps they’re told they need power. They’re entitled to it. This is a scary thought. Entitlement to power or control is unnerving because for everyone in control, someone is under control. It is a losing situation. If you aren’t superior, you are inferior. Superiority is the goal and a superiority complex is born. It would be better to control than to be controlled, but better even still to be in control of oneself: self mastery instead of recklessness and humility instead of pride. Exploring what it means to be a man is dangerous. On one side there they may be no such thing. Women can possess the very same characteristics. On the far other side, men are entitled to women, power, and control. Is a gentleman a woman? Maybe being a good man has less to do with being a man and more to do with being a good human. This will be the exploration of my thoughts on men and women, their differences, and why they are different to me.

Men, it seems, have a gap to fill. In politics, religion, and domestic situations, men are being called out. Being called out is good, making everyone else look bad is not. That may be a pride issue though. How can a man step up, when others do not, instead of hiding behind his innocence? There are things to fix, namely: pornified culture and the trap of control. I don’t objectively think men are bad and I hope soon we will see a rebirth of masculinity. Subjectively, however, I am hesitant to give men the benefit of the doubt. As a man, that is a confusing place to be. 

I think men of power have taken advantage of women’s progress and used it to pornify culture. Living in a world where women, and men for that matter, can wear what they want is progress from corsets, veils, and being scared of ankles. Selling the beauty of the human body is not progress. It’s business. Business is not concerned with a person’s value. It is concerned with monetary value. The human brain is drawn to colorful food, beautiful people, and safe environments. It’s unfair, in a biological sense, that the media can show all of these things to people who have none of them. Big business is mostly driven by men so I’ll make an assumption and blame this idea on them. I don’t do that because I don’t think women can be greedy, but because as men have the majority of power and money in the world, they must experience the most corruption. The worst part is that if men are responsible for this they are hurting everybody, and especially themselves. If you have money, you’re safe and the lizard brain can survive so good on you.   

Being in control of a situation is not always the same as leadership. I know this because, in my time as a boy scout, leading by example was about the only way to get anything done. The alternative was having a 40 something telling everyone what it was like in his day before forcing them to work. Needless to say, being ordered around by someone’s nostalgic and angry dad bred resentment. He was in charge but not leading. If that was obvious he wouldn’t be doing it, but odds are in favor of him passing down the technique to the younger generation.

What is the younger generation learning from the older generation? I have seen, and I won’t say from who, male entitlement across age ranges. I have also seen the way it affects women. It looks like learned behavior to me. So where do people pick it up especially in a time where men leave single mothers to fend for themselves, are not present at home, and where divorce rates pass 50 percent? In my experience, it comes from the internet. For people like me, father figures are a somewhat unfamiliar concept. So, we look for guidance on how to be a man. While I do think there is a lot of good stuff out there, it’s hard to find it when the bad stuff is telling you how attractive, rich, and powerful you will be. That’s pretty enticing and now looking back, pretty scary too. People wanted to sell me expensive clothes, fragrances, or whatever way they could get my money. There is a solid line between dressing to express yourself and communicate respect and the other side which is to manipulate with your appearance. 

In the Catholic tradition, of which I am a convert to, men and women are considered different in kind but equal in dignity. Reading the bible out of context leads people to a toxic male hierarchy. I’m referring to the verse that tells wives to “submit” to their husbands. From a religious perspective, the United States appears to be abandoning its traditional Judeo Christian practices. From a secular perspective, however, the U.S. is holding onto some of them. Those values are a patriarchy as default while ignoring the matriarchy and forcing beliefs on people who don’t want them. I don’t like either of these and I’m a member of arguably the original group of Christians. Roman Catholic saints give what I think are incredible examples of what Christian practices should be. One example of an extraordinary man and saint is Maximillian Kolbe.

Kolbe volunteered to die in the place of a total stranger in the largest Nazi concentration camp: Aushwitz. Not only did he give up his power, he also prayed with those he ended up dying with. He didn’t force anything on anyone. This is an example of sacrificial love: something I don’t see a lot of, but should likely lead by example. On the opposite side is a new  evil group, with old ideas. Incels, or men who believe they are entitled to women, are not ready to give. They are ready to take. One scary example of this culture is from a statement made by Jordan Peterson, a Canadian psychologist and admittedly very interesting man, who suggested giving violent men partners so they could better control themselves. That looks like intimate partner violence to me. 

A large part of why I have no issue with a matriarchy is that the second part of my childhood was spent in my mother’s custody. The other reason is that I remember going to the capitol in Jefferson City as a young child while my mom rallied for midwifery, which was at the time was not a legal practice. I’ve seen women in charge and I’ve seen it work. On the other hand, as mentioned above with the boy scouts, I resent men of my father’s age. It isn’t a healthy mindset, but I often prefer women as a default. In my mind, they are safer and less likely to be resented.

Nolon Carter April 2020